Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
