I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
