i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
