just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
