Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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