There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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