I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
