i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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