I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
