I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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