Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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