I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
