so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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