he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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