just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i black out too much to be "responsible"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
