I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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