If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You need Xanax blowdarts
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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