he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
