You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
