I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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