i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
