so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
