you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
