the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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