Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
