I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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