Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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