He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
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Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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