The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
