I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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