This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
