sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
