Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
