I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
