im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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