I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
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I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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