The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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