matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
