i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
