I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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