After last night, I could never be a politician.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
