He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I faked an abortion last night.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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