there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
