someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
