Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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