I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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