I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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