Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
