Just fell off a train. Bad.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
