I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
