Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
