dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
