Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize