I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
