my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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