Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
