ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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