my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
