I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
