I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
